Not feeling very well, Neighbours 'The Fire' and giving relationship advice! Wednesday 18th November 2015

Hey guys, hope you are all doing well today? It’s almost 3 o’clock on Wednesday so we are almost over that hump now and on the slide towards the weekend.

I haven’t been feeling very well this week.  I get random little bouts of sinusitis that I tend to get every few weeks.  I have been getting them since I had glandular fever about 5 years ago, and I was told that the virus made my immune system super sensitive and it attacks basically everything that it doesn’t like which in turn makes me feel poorly.  When I get the sinusitis it tends to only last for 3 or 4 days and I never get very ill, I just seem to get very congested and have a high temperature and generally feel run down.  I just hate it because it does affect my productivity and mood, but I know it will pass son enough and there are worse things that I could have to live with.

Putting feeling unwell aside, I actually had a very nice weekend.  I stayed with my sister on Friday night at her house in London and had a nice girlie evening watching Goggle-box and Children in need.  On Saturday we went Wedding dress shopping for her and we found ‘The One’.  I wasn’t expecting to actually feel that moved by her choosing a dress but I found it very emotional.  I absolutely adore the dress that she chose, and I think I knew as soon as I saw her in it that I thought it was made for her and that she looked like a perfect Disney princess in it.  It is definitely a very special moment being there when somebody chooses the dress to say their  ‘I Do’s’ in, so  if you haven’t ever been wedding dress shopping with somebody and you get the opportunity, then go for it.

On Sunday I had a complete chill out day just catching up on TV.  My Dad was out for the whole day so it was nice to have the place to myself.  One thing that I am still getting used to with moving from living on my own to living with somebody is how rare it is to get full day’s to yourself.  I caught up on X Factor in the morning which I am really loving this year.  I really like Che, Louisa and Lauren and I was really obsessed with Monica so I was gutted to see her go.  I am still not really sure why the public didn’t take to her because we normally like very down to earth people, but I think it is hard for the contestants in the early stage of the competition to get their personalities across in very short VT clips.

On Sunday afternoon it was time for me to catch up on something that I have been putting off for a while – watching ‘The Fire’ episodes of Neighbours.  If you don’t watch Neighbours then this won’t interest you at all, so apologies for that.  I am literally so obsessed with Neighbours that whenever there is a big episode coming up where people might get hurt or will be in danger, I generally have to psych myself up to watch it.  I put my brave pants on Sunday and watched the episodes, and although there was a lot of drama during those episodes I was relieved that nobody died.  I thought my heart might burst when Tyler told Paige that he has been secretly in love with her, I feel like I have been waiting the whole of the year for Tyler and Paige to just get together already!

As well as not being very well, this week has been a little bit stressful because I have been helping a friend who is going through a difficult time in her relationship.  It’s been around three years since I broke up with my ex and during 2015 I suddenly found closure on the whole situation after three painful years of working things through.  Even though a lot of time has passed since the break-up, I still find other people’s relationship problems very triggering, but I still want to help people that I care about.  When you have been in a situation where you have walked away from a horrible relationship and never gone back, and ultimately survived it all, you just want to tell people who are being messed around to do the same, but you have to put yourself back in that position and remember how hard you found it to get the strength to walk away.  I guess what I find difficult about helping people with their relationship problems is the amount of time you spend giving advice and helping them, only for them to listen to none of it and just gloss over everything once their partner apologises and tells them what they want to hear.  I think what I try to remember is that it is only my job to be a supportive friend and that the relationship is on its own path and that my friend has to learn her own lessons, just like I had to three years ago.

 

When I see other people’s relationship drama’s it does make me feel very glad that I am no longer in a stressful relationship that is full of anxiety and tension.  I guess what I am trying to say is, that at the moment I am glad I am single!

 

Thanks for listening! xxx

Finally settling in, Eastenders and I need more time to read! Wednesday 11th November 2015

 

Hi guys! Happy hump day! I hope all of your weeks are going well.

It’s been almost two weeks now since I moved back home to my Dad’s house and I am finally starting to settle down.  I think now that the craziness of actually packing my whole flat up and handling the move is a distant memory, I am finding things a lot easier.

I think I expected a bit too much of myself initially.  With the last two months practically a write off due to holidays, being ill, packing and dealing with viewings from new tenants from the flat I was living in, I had barely done a scrap of work in all that time.  As each day became a mountain of move related stuff to navigate through I longed to just sit and my computer and work on projects.  So after the move was done I expected myself to just fire straight back into everything but as I have found out it is not as simple as that.

I think it takes a week or so for you to get over the actual stress of moving, so it was more towards the end of last week that I began to find myself excited at the prospect of being able to work on my projects again.  I am still feeling those little pangs of longing for my old home and my routines but slowly but surely my childhood home is starting to feel like my home again. 

I have only allowed myself to unpack clothes and essential items, and I plan to leave everything else in boxes.  I want to keep myself as motivated as possible to be able to move out into my own place as soon as possible, in past experience I have found that the more stuff you have to pack up the more deterred you can be from actually moving again.  So I am making myself a bit uncomfortable again to keep myself focused. 

I am slowly adjusting to working away from home again, and although it has its challenges I do feel like I am getting a lot done, and I like that I have a definite time that I finish work each day, which is something I haven’t had for the last two years.  I am definitely sleeping like a baby each night at the moment.

I had a mixed weekend with a trip to London on Saturday for a girlie lunch and then a quiet Sunday where I got some home bits done.  I am definitely finding it a bit different living somewhere that is quite cut off from shops etc., so I am going to try and make sure that I spend time at the weekends with friends that live in London to ensure that I don’t just stay in a lot because it’s too much effort to go out anywhere locally.

Now that all the craziness of moving is over I am slowly starting to get back into catching up with TV shows again.  I am really loving Eastenders at the moment and I am long overdue a catch up on season 2 of Empire.  I also really want to check out Scream Queens as I have heard great things about that show.  I am trying really hard to push myself with reading this week and I have started reading Beauty by Louise Mensch.  I am really enjoying it so far, it’s just the challenge of finding time to read it especially when you are writing your own book!

Thanks for reading, catch up with you again soon xxx

A little bit uncomforatble, stress awareness day and finishing landline! Thursday 5th November 2015

Hey guys, I hope the week is going well for you guys, if it’s not then it’s just one more day till the weekend.  So..I have been living back at my Dad’s house for exactly a week now and I have to say that I am still adjusting to things.  For me it is not just a change in home and town but a change in my working environment too.  As I have told you guys before, I have been lucky enough for the last 2 years to be able to afford to write and create full time from the flat that I lived in, which meant that I could be very flexible about how I worked.  I tended to be more laid back in the mornings and take the time to do things like catch up on TV shows and YouTube, read, journal and run errands and then work from the afternoon till about 8.30pm, and then I would usually do bits of work at the weekends as and when I could fit it around seeing friends and family.  Generally I preferred having the mornings as my ‘me’ time.

Now that I am living with my Dad and he works at home, I am having to work away from the house as I know that I don’t feel particularly creative when other people’s routines are disturbing or distracting me, so I guess that I am moving into more of a 9 to 5 work style for now.  While I don’t think that it is the ideal way for working a creative job, there are definitely some pro’s to it, like the fact that there is a clear time that you switch off from work and also that sense of coming home from work that you don’t get really when you work from home.

After having so much independence for the last 2 years I am finding it strange having to discuss meal plans and bathroom routines with somebody else, and I am still feeling quite unsettled.  I realised earlier this week that I feel very uncomfortable at the moment, and then it struck me that in some ways maybe that’s a good thing.  Being uncomfortable with where you are, means that you will push yourself a bit more to be where you would like to be.  I know that not having my own space and not wanting to be stuck in with my Dad will push me to get out and see friends more and do more things out of the house and that can’t be a bad thing.  We all get into a comfort zone every now and then and it’s good to get forced out of it.  I know that this living situation is just temporary and that will things will improve financially for me soon and I will be able to move into my own place again.

Up until I moved last week I hadn’t really been working properly on projects for about two months.  Mainly because I went on holiday at the beginning of September and then when I returned I had to get my flat sorted out to be viewed by letting agents and potential tenants.  After that I suddenly came down with a nasty virus that it took me two weeks to get over and by the time I was better it was time to start the mammoth task of getting my whole flat packed up ready to move.  Since I have worked for myself in a creative role I tend to go through phases like that, where everything seems to conspire against me being able to focus on work, and that can be a downside of not having a lot of definition between your work and home life.  Prior to all of that chaos I had been working on a project that I was very excited about, and I have recommenced work on it this week and I have found myself reconnecting with it and feeling that buzz from it again.  I even decided on the perfect title for it this week, which made me super excited to carry on working on it.

Other than readjusting to a new life, I managed to finish Landline by Rainbow Rowell this week.  I didn’t love it as much as I wanted to, but the story held me and I really liked the ending.  That was my second Rainbow Rowell book, and I am still not really a full convert to her writing style yet, but I do think she had the best book cover of 2014, no doubt about it.  Up next on my reading list is ‘Beauty’ by Louise Mensch.  I am going to try and use this whole working away from home thing to up my reading game a bit.  I set my goodreads challenge at 50 books, but there is absolutely no way I will manage that, but I think I can make 25 books if I push myself for these two months.  Although that is only 50% of my target, when you think about the fact that some people never read anything at all, then 25 books in a year is pretty good going.

It was national stress awareness day yesterday which kind of leads me to a good opportunity to say thank you to people that have been buying and reading my book ‘a safe place’ this week.  Even though I wrote the book two and a half years ago and it’s been out for almost eight months, I still honestly feel touched every time I see that somebody bought a copy or borrowed it on Amazon.  Stress awareness day made me reflect a lot on the time of my life that I wrote about in ‘a safe place’ I remember how hellish real stress was, so I just want to say that if any of you are going through that right now please take some steps to start changing behaviours and looking after yourself in the best possible way, because you and your health are so important.

 

Thanks for reading, I will write again at some point this weekend. Xxx

Drinking problems, remote control car fun, and a grid guy? Neighbours Episode 7195 Friday 4th September 2015

Hey, I am back on my blog today with a write up of episode 7195 of Neighbours, I hope that you enjoy it!

After Paul gives Terese the secret letter and she says that it doesn’t belong to her, Terese thinks that it belongs to Brad and she confronts him about it. Brad says that he didn’t write the letter and that she is his wife and he would never say he regretted marrying her.  Hmm, I think we can all imagine that’s not true though!
 

 

Nate, Tyler, Russell, Karl, Brad and Aaron decide to have a remote control car rally in Ramsay Street and to film it for Toadie.  The guys ask Paige to be their grid girl for the rally and she is offended and says that it is completely sexist.  I love it when fierce, feminist Paige comes out to play!

 

 

Brad thanks Lauren for letting him store his wood in the shed and says that he will carve her something to say thank you.  If it is anything like the first thing that he carved then I would pass if I was Lauren.

 

 

Paige and Lauren challenge the guys to a remote control car race and say that Paige will be their grid girl if there is also a grid guy.  Aaron agrees to be the grid guy and takes his outfit very seriously, queue some full on lycra!  I really enjoyed the car rally element of this episode, it kind of reminded me of Neighbours in the 80’s and 90’s when the characters used to play cricket and basketball together a lot in the street.  I know that they still do that, but definitely not as much as they used to, so it was nice to see some street socialising in an episode.
 

 

 

 

There is also an intimate moment during the car rally when Aaron helps Nate to steer the remote control chemistry.  I am definitely loving the sweet chemistry between those two!
 

 

 

Susan overhears Brad saying to Karl that he doesn’t want to talk about Terese and Susan gets worried and goes to see Terese. 

Terese talks to Susan and makes her see that she is being slightly paranoid about everything.  The way that Terese just stays indoors during this episode and gets irritated at the noise of the car rally kind of summed up everything that I dislike about Terese.

Lauren and Paige beat the boys at the racing and they celebrate with drinks at the Waterhole.  At the Waterhole Tyler is relieved that he wont have to work with Russ, and Karl says that he is proud of him for giving his Dad another chance.

 

Lauren and Brad run into each other by the lake and reflect on the past.  Brad says that they have always been drawn to each other but Lauren says that they have never been able to get the timing right, and that they will always be connected by Paige and that she will always be a symbol of them.  I really loved this scene of Brad and Lauren kind of finally admitting the real feelings between them and of the idea of two people that can’t ever seem to be together but will always have this person that they both love to bind them to each other forever, and who represents the love that they share.

 

 

Tyler is thrilled when Paige challenges him to a game of pool and Nate thinks he is excited about it because he is still into Paige.  Yes of course he is still into Paige and we are just waiting for Brennan to get out of the way for this to happen.  I can’t even tell you how much I want Paige and Tyler to be a thing!

When Brad tells Sheila that Terese has fallen off the wagon with dry August, Sheila tells Brad about Terese stealing wine from the Waterhole and that she thinks Terese has a drinking problem.  Even though I have no love for Terese I did kind of think that it was a bit low of Sheila to expose her to Brad, but I guess that she was concerned for her well-being and we can let her off for that.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading this post.  All images used in this post and their associated copyright belong to 11 and Neighbours.

 

 

 

 

Feeling home sick! Monday 2nd November 2015

Hi guys, hope everyone is doing well on this Monday!  Last week I talked about the fact that I was due to move back home to my Dad’s after two years of living and working in pretty much a dream flat, in an ideal location.  Well the move has happened now, and while I am glad that all of the stress of new tenant viewings, packing, sorting, throwing out rubbish, closing utility accounts and moving furniture is over, I am finding making the transition from living on my own to living with somebody else quite difficult.

I am used to getting up in the mornings and just having my own routines and rituals, and as I work for myself at the moment it can quite often be a good couple of hours before I actually speak to anyone in person.  As a creative person I highly value that time to just think, read, watch things that inspire me, or to plot out some work ideas.  As soon as the move happened at the end of last week I found myself getting irritated at having to discuss dinner plans, and what times I would be coming and going from home. 

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of the last time I moved back home when my relationship of 11 years had ended, and at the weekend I found myself not wanting to be at home too much because I didn’t want to be sucked back in to that frame of mind. 

I think the thing that has been most difficult to deal with is the fact that I just feel a bit home sick at the moment.  I am craving my old flat and that feeling of being at home, and it hasn’t really sunk in yet that I won’t ever be going back there.

I know that I am luckier than a lot of people.  I have a roof over my head, a bed, central heating, internet and demand TV.  So even know I am not exactly where I want to be, I know that everything is temporary and this is just a bit of a detour on the way to the next exciting adventure of adulthood.

 

Thanks for reading xxx

Kat's painful past, Nate fights back, and a dodgy photoshop job! Home and Away episode 6231 Monday 31st August 2015

Hi guys, thanks for stopping by my blog for my write up of episode 6231 of Home and Away, let’s get stuck in!

 

Kyle, Phoebe and Ash are panicked when Marilyn tells them that Ricky has left.  Phoebe suggests that they go and look for Ricky and she and Ash go together while Kyle goes to Mangrove to look there.  I feel really worried for Ricky at the moment as she is just not coping with things, and as she is one of my favourite characters I just want her to be okay.

 

 

 

Marilyn and John agree to look after baby Casey while the search for Ricky is happening.  Marilyn loves looking after the baby so while she was concerned about Ricky she would have enjoyed the extra baby time too!

 

 

 

Katarina has an angry confrontation with Billie on the beach, and she tells her that her lies are making it harder for real victims to come forward.  I fully agree with Katarina on that one, I can’t stand it when people make themselves out to be victims of things that are real serious issues for people.  You have to put yourselves in the shoes of the people that have been through those things.

Spurred on by her confrontation with Billie, Katarina goes to see Nate and tells him that the reason that she dropped his hand when she found out about the text messages was that she was abused by an ex and she found it triggering.  I don’t want to sound like I am in the Katarina fan club today, but I could relate a lot to that too.  I was in a relationship that was quite emotionally abusive and I find hearing about other people’s toxic relationships quite triggering, even though years have passed since I was in that relationship.

 

 

 

Ricky arrives at some kind of cabin place and gets so upset looking at old photos of Brax so she deletes them.  As soon as she was deleting them I was like “no Ricky you are so going to regret that!” I have deleted photos of exes who I have broken up with before, but I would definitely say don’t delete photos of people that have died as at some point you will want the memories of the good times.

 

Phoebe, Ash and Kyle have no luck on their road trips searching for Ricky and Kyle thinks that they should stop looking.

 

Ash doesn’t want to stop looking for Ricky and Phoebe wants to know why he is taking it so personally.  Ash tells Phoebe that if anything were to happen to Ricky he would feel like it was his fault.  Phoebe tells Ash that it is not his fault and the pair intimately brush hands for a moment.  Personally I don’t know how Ash can walk around just knowing that Brax is alive, I wouldn’t be able to sleep for the anxiety.

 

 

 

Nate takes the opportunity to defend himself to Chris over Billie’s allegations and tells Chris that he became a doctor to help people and not to hurt them, and Chris realises that he didn’t do it.  Everybody knows that Nate is Mr nice guy, but Chris is a nice guy too and so naturally he would want to believe Billie and jump to her protection and defence.

Chris goes round to Billie’s house and asks her if she could have been mistaken about Nates intentions, but she shrugs it off and denys it.  When Billie goes for a shower Chris goes through her stuff and finds the originals of the photo shopped images of Katarina.  I guess Billie forgot rule number one of trying to sabotage somebody, destroy the evidence!

 

 

At the cabin Ricky is writing a goodbye letter.  Please don’t leave us Ricky!

Thank you so much for reading.  All images used in this post belong to 7 and Home and Away.  Come and follow me on twitter @allie_marie1981

 

 

A marriage confession, Brennan gets a massage and Cameron Diaz in Erinsborough? Neighbours episode 7194 Thursday 3rd September 2015

Today’s episode kicked off with Sheila sporting a funky new bob and Russell telling her she looked exactly like Cameron Diaz! I love Sheila’s new cut, it looks a lot tidier and makes her look younger.

 

 

 

Brennan was still hot on the case of the dirty money today and promptly told Sheila that she cannot use the money as it is the proceeds of a crime.  He advised her to hand the money over to the police or otherwise she could risk being prosecuted.  Brennan you are my dream husband and everything, but do you have to be such a fun killer all the time!

 

 

Brad is angry to find out that he has been given a notice by the council to take down his shed and he thinks that Terese is behind it as she hated his shed.

Terese finds out that Paul gave the notice on the shed to Brad because he knew that Terese didn’t like it. 

Paige tells Brad that he can store his wood in their shed and Terese is not happy that he will be going over to the Turner house a lot. I still find it all a bit ridiculous that he built a whole shed to house some wood that he is only going to use to do some occasional carving, but I know that he only built it to keep the wood out of Terese’s way.

 

 

 

Paul asks Naomi to go and visit Gary in Prison to check that he won’t mention Paul paying him that money for carrying out the attack on Ezra for him.  I wonder if we will ever see dodgy Gary back in the show again once he gets out of prison?

 

 

Sheila tells Russ that she wont be able to help him buy the garage as the money was dirty, but he tells her that he wants to stick around in Erinsborough anyway.  I was hoping that not getting the money for the garage was going to be the end of Russell, but it looks like we are stuck with him for a bit longer.

 

 

 

Sonya finds another of the Ramsay Street secrets saying “I regret getting married” and she thinks that it belongs to Brad.  I would love to read all of the Ramsay Street secrets and I have loved this little story line of bits of them getting leaked out.

 

 

Brad and Terese argue, and he says that she has never supported him in the things that he loves doing and that he thinks she wishes he was someone else.  I really feel for Brad in his relationship with Terese, I think she does constantly beat him down unnecessarily.

 

After Paul over hears Sonya saying that she thinks the secret letter belongs to Brad he takes it upon himself to give it to Terese and tells her that it belongs to Brad and that he thought she should know.  The way that Paul interferes in that relationship is very creepy, he is only supposed to think that Brad isn’t right for Terese but he takes things to extreme lengths.

 

 

Brennan is being massaged by Paige (queue convenient Brennan topless scene) and is telling her about the Gary situation, when Russ comes home.  Russ tells Brennan that he heard about him getting Sheila to hand over the money to the police.  Russ says that he is disappointed about the garage, but that he is proud of Mark for being a good cop! Hmm I am not sure that I believe a word that comes out of dodgy Russell’s mouth!

 

 

All images used in this post belong to 11 and Neighbours.  Thank you so much for reading, and come and follow me on Twitter @allie_marie1981

 

Phoebe is outed, dirty money and afternoon delight? Neighbours episode 7193 Wednesday 2nd September 2015

Today’s episode focused heavily on the discovery that Josh is really Phoebe and on Sheila’s proposition to buy into the garage.

Amber tells Josh that she knows that he is really Phoebe and she asks him to leave the hospital.  I felt kind of sorry for Josh, he was really just only trying to be there for Amber at the end of the day, okay so he went about things in an intrusive way but his heat was in the right place.

 

 

 

Kyle is relieved that Brennan has warned Russell not to hurt Sheila, but when Kyle, Brennan and Naomi spot them Naomi says that she thinks they have had some afternoon delight! I guess if anyone should know the signs of an afternoon delight session then I guess it would be Naomi!

 

 

Russell tells Sheila that he wants to stick around to be with her and to spend time with his son’s and Sheila suggests that she use some savings that she has to help him buy Fitzgerald motors.  I hated the way that Russell just lapped up the offer, he has such a shifty look about him and I fully do not trust him at all.

 

 

 

Imogen is at the hospital and she is shocked to learn about Josh posing as Phoebe.  Amber says that she feels like she doesn’t have any friends anymore and Imogen reminds her that she is her friend, but Amber says that she feels like she has been distracted by Daniel lately.  Amber is definitely one of those girls who when she has a boyfriend it’s all fine for her to spend time with them, but as soon as she is single and her mate has a boyfriend then it is another story entirely.

 

 

Russell tells the Brennan brothers that he is going to buy the garage with Sheila’s help.  Tyler is not happy about it and he takes off.  I adore Tyler so much and I hate seeing how much he is hurting over his Dad being back in town.  I just wish that Russell would just leave.

Russell speaks to Tyler and he tells him that this is a chance for them to put the past behind them, but Tyler feels like he is trying to control him.

 

 

Naomi and Kyle are surprised when Brennan tells them that Sheila is going to invest in the garage as they don’t think she has any money.  His conversation with Naomi and Kyle then prompts Brennan to tell Russell to be careful that Sheila is not jeopardising her savings to help him.  Brennan forever the sensible guy, but I guess somebody needs to be around Russell!

 

 

 

Imogen apologises to Amber for not being around for her more after Josh tells her that she has been too distracted by Daniel.  I honestly think that Imogen should have stood her ground on this.  How long as she had to put up with being the little side kick while Amber goes from boyfriend to boyfriend.  Imogen deserves some happiness and to be in a little love bubble for a while.

 

 

 

Sheila tells Naomi and Kyle that the money she is investing in the garage is the dirty money that Gary got from Paul for beating up Ezra for him. I was kind of surprised that Sheila would want to use that money, it’s the sort of thing I think Naomi wouldn’t think twice about doing but Sheila is usually a bit more cautious.

 

 

 

Brennan smells a rat when Russell tells him that Sheila is using savings to invest in the garage but Kyle and Naomi tell him that the money is from a loan.  Kyle caves under the pressure from Brennan and admits that the money is dirty.  As soon as you realise that Brennan has sussed something out you that everybody’s fun is over!

 

 

 

Josh apologises to Amber for the whole Phoebe thing but she tells him that he can only be around for the baby and not for her. Poor Josh, he meant well!

 

 

All images used in this post and their associated copyright belong to 11 and Neighbours.

Thanks for reading, come and follow me on twitter allie_marie1981

 

 

 

 

 

All change! Leaving my dream flat and moving back home! Wednesday 28th October 2015

Everything is changing at the moment and I feel completely unsettled by it.  After two years of living and working in an amazing flat, I am having to move back to my family home for a while for financial reasons.  Choosing to do a creative job means that I have to take the good with the bad, sometimes you can afford a nice place to live and use as a base to work and sometimes things get tough and you have to down size.  I understand that I have to ride the highs and the lows, and I try to embrace them all equally.

The thing is, that the place that I am living in at the moment has been more than just a roof over my head, so much has happened there and I have somehow over the last two years grown into a completely different person.

I moved to the place that I have been living in as a favour to my sister.  I had spent the last year of my life before that completely broken hearted after my 11 year relationship ended and I had to leave my job in the corporate world because of an anxiety disorder.  I wasn’t particularly bothered about moving away, my whole life had been ripped away from me and I had very little enthusiasm to do anything.  It suited me not having to worry about paying bills and rent.

My sister was being kicked out of her current flat and she approached me and asked me if I wanted to live with her as she was desperate not to return to our family home.  I agreed to move in with her because it seemed like a nice thing to do, I felt sorry for her and wanted to help if I could.  Somewhere in the back of my mind though I kept hoping it just wouldn’t happen and that it would all get called off. 

I half-heartedly did all of the flat viewings, and I always found myself making up an excuse as to why I didn’t like the flat, I just wasn’t sure about the whole move thing.  That was until one day we went to look at a flat and everything suddenly changed.  It was a viewing that I hadn’t particularly wanted to do, it was a ground floor flat and we were keen on being high up (reduce the risk of break in’s etc), and I was just getting over a horrible cold and I resented being dragged from my sick bed on a Saturday morning.  Something told me to go to the viewing though, and I was even the one who said we should still go even though I was 100% sure we didn’t want a ground floor flat. 

I was already preparing myself not to like it when we walked into the flat that day for the viewing, but as we were shown into the front room I was greeted by a full length window that looked out onto full on greenery, and something in my heart just clicked.  It was like I could already foretell what I would go onto do in the flat, the writer in me wanted that window and that calm and peace.

 After the viewing finished we looked at a couple of other flats but I just found myself thinking about that flat.  Later that day when we went for a lunch break at my sisters flat, I causally looked out of the window when I saw this man walk by that I used to see in another town when I was going through a very rough time.  He always smiled at me and I used to feel calmed by his presence because he reminded me of my Dad.  It felt strange to see him in another town and I kept thinking about the fact that I had looked up just as he had walked by the window.  Later that day as we got out the car for another viewing I stepped out the three white feathers in a circle.  White feathers had always been my sign that my mum who had passed away years ago was trying to tell me she was there with me. Later that day I couldn’t fight this strong urge I felt that my mum was trying to communicate with me to tell me to go for the flat that I had liked.  The strange presence of the man that I had always felt comforted by and the white feathers was too much to ignore, and I told my sister that I thought we should go for the flat.

That following Monday we set about taking the flat, and everything just seemed to line up for us.  We negotiated a reduction in rent that was accepted immediately accepted and the amount of money that I was able to withdraw from my savings account that day was just exactly the amount that I needed to put a deposit down.  Things seemed to be coming together very easily, and I was both excited and nervous.  When I got home that night though we got a phone call that it had been found that my older sister’s chemotherapy for bowel cancer had been found to have stopped working, and suddenly it was clear why my Mum was guiding me to live with my little sister so strongly, she needed me to support her.

When I first moved into the new flat it felt really strange.  I had lived in the same town my whole life and now suddenly here I was in this whole new place, and I still wasn’t really 100% sure why I was there.  I kind of felt like a little bit of an accessory to somebody else’s plans and life.  I was still pretty heartbroken from the end of my relationship and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, my work ethic was still at zero.

The first few months ticked by and dealing with the fact that my older sister wasn’t going to recover from cancer was hard, it took all of my strength just to deal with the fact that I was about to spend my last Christmas with her.  Work was the furthest thing from my mind and when my Sister finally lost her cancer battle in the January I put all of my strength into supporting my little sister and helping her come to terms with her grief, while at the same time trying to make sense of everything myself.

When it got to March I had been in the new flat for 5 months and I realised that I needed to make some decisions about what I wanted to do with my life.  I was wiling away the days reading and kind of just hanging out till my sister came home from work, and if my older sister passing away had taught me anything it was that life was short and not to be wasted. 

I felt that I should go back to a corporate job even though I didn’t feel any kind of pull towards it, and I was surprised when I immediately got an interview for a role that I applied for. On the day of the interview everything seemed to conspire against me getting there, the trains were late and then the person doing the interview couldn’t see me at a later time, so that was that.  As I stood at London Bridge station, I looked around and realised that everything felt different to when I used to be a commuter and when working in London was my life, everything had changed, but bigger than that was the fact that I had changed.  I realised that I was trying to get something from the past back and that the City life just wasn’t what I wanted anymore.  I still wasn’t sure what I did actually want, but having that moment clarified to me that I needed to stop waiting for something from the past to come back.

A few weeks down the line I asked myself what I did want.  I had written a draft of a book the year before about my journey with anxiety.  It had all been written in notebooks and I always planned to edit and publish it but when I had moved it had just got shoved in a draw and forgotten about.  I realised that I was still keen on editing it, but I wasn’t sure I had the work ethic to just sit at a desk and type.  I reasoned with myself that maybe I could try editing with some of my favourite programmes on in the background.  I gave it a try and that was it, I was in love with writing again.  I knew that when I worked I would get to watch shows that I loved and I would get to see this thing that I had created come to life.  Suddenly I was addicted to that sense of achievement, and even though I still didn’t have the best work ethic in the World I couldn’t wait to get to work each day.

I loved working by the big window in the flat with all the light and calm pouring in.  I could feel myself changing on a daily basis.  I still felt sad that my career in the corporate world and my relationship hadn’t worked out and I missed my big sister terribly, but I was healing and growing.  My heart didn’t hurt like it used to, and I was developing new interests.

When my Sister decided to move out I realised that I wanted to stay on at the flat on my own.  Even though the rent was a lot when I didn’t have a solid income stream, I was attached to the place and I liked the effect that it was having on me, but more importantly than that I wanted to finish editing and eventually publish my book there.  It was there that I had fallen in love with creating it, and it only felt right that I finish it there. 

Sharing the flat with my sister had been great, but it was living on my own there that I really developed and grew.  Now that my heart was healing there was all this space in my head for old passions and new interests, and I found myself going into a full on creative over drive.  When you live on your own as a single person there are so many things that you have to navigate like what do you do at the weekends when all of your friends and family are in relationships? Finding my way through things like that when I felt uncomfortable only made me grow as a person.  I always swore I couldn’t change light bulbs, couldn’t cook eggs and would never be able to confront it if a wasp or giant spider came into the flat.  Who was going to do those things for me if I was living on my own? Me that is who, so you are damn right I can do all of those things now!

In May this year, around two and a half years after my relationship had ended, I realised that I wasn’t hurt, upset or angry anymore.  My heart had healed and I was at peace with everything that had happened.  My heart belonged to other things now and I was waking up excited for life.

So it is difficult this week facing up to leaving the place where everything changed for me, but I know that it is life’s way of telling me that I am ready for something new and that I am being taken in a whole new direction.  It is difficult returning to my family home as the only times I have ever gone back there have been because of break up’s with guys. So I can’t help but form negative associations with going back home.  I will approach things with an open mind and let the experience be what it is while remaining open to new experiences and whatever life has to teach me next.

I will forever be grateful to the place that life led me to that healed my heart and awoke a passion in me.

Thanks for reading and come and follow me on twitter @allie_marie1981

xxx

Girlie beach day, baby whispering fail and the sexiest mug shot ever? Home and Away Friday 28th August 2015 Episode 6230

After being arrested following on from Billies allegations, Nate is taken to the police station for questioning, mug shots and finger prints.  I have to say that his mug shots were some of the sexiest I have ever seen!

 

When Ash returns from the police station angry at Nate, Ricky tells him that she still believes that Billie is lying about the assault and that she is on Nate’s side.

 

Ricky is still struggling to be around baby Casey and she pretends that there is a problem at Angelo’s so that she can get away from him, and Ricky ends up leaving Casey with Ash.

 

At Angelo’s, Roo, Irene, Alf, Marilyn and John are having dinner and discussing Nate’s arrest.  Ricky is listening to the conversation and loses it when they mention that they are not sure who to believe.  Ricky tells them that they can all stop talking about Nate or they can get out.  Even though Ricky is going through a really hard time I was kind of surprised at her outburst, as her character is normally the type to be very respectful to her elders.

When Denny pops round to see Ash she is surprised to find him looking after baby Casey and she offers to help him.  Phoebe and Kyle return home later and when they question why Ash and Denny have Casey they tell them that there is no issue at Angelo’s that they know about.  They all realise then that Ricky is still struggling with caring for Casey by herself.

 

 

Nate is angry at Katarina for the fact that she dropped his hand when the police came to arrest him.  He cannot hide his feelings and after she brings him home from the police station he asks her to leave.

 

 

 

Marilyn and John are struggling since Jett’s departure and they are unsure how to fill their time now that he has gone to boarding school.  They are worried that things will get boring now that he is no longer around.

 

 

In a bid to help Ricky, Denny and Phoebe take her for a girlie day at the beach.  After some prying from Denny and Phoebe, Ricky admits that she finds it hard to be around Casey because he reminds her of Brax.  Ricky gets upset and tells them that she knows this is not okay, but the girls tell her that how she is feeling is to be expected.

While the girls are at the beach Ash and Kyle struggle to look after baby Casey and Kyle begins to realise that he is not that much of a baby whisperer after all!  Marilyn over hears their problems from next door and offers to help the guys out with the baby.

 

 

 

 

When Ricky returns from the beach she is grateful to find Marilyn looking after Casey.  Marilyn tells Ricky that she knows what she is going through as she had post-natal depression after her son was born.  Ricky says that she doesn’t think she is depressed and Marilyn tells her just to look after herself.  Marilyn offers to have Casey for the night and Ricky gladly takes her up on the offer.

When Marilyn returns the next day with Casey, Ricky isn’t there and Marilyn finds a note left behind by her.  When Phoebe and Kyle walk into the house Marilyn asks them if they have seen Ricky, when they say that they haven’t Marilyn tells them that the note says that Ricky has gone for a while and that she wants Marilyn to take care of Casey.

 

 

Katarina goes round to see Nate to try and smooth things out with him.  Nate tells Katarina that if she could even think for a second that he could attack Billie then there is no hope for them as a couple!  

 

 

All images used in this post and their associated copyright belong to Home and Away and 7.

Follow me on twitter: @allie_marie1981