Letting your boundaries slip with people who take advantage

When I suffered a nervous breakdown just over three years ago, the main feeling I had about myself was that I only existed for other people. I was in a relationship with someone who didn't love me, I was in a job working for people who just saw me as somebody to do all the hardwork, and my only friends were men who seemed to have a sense of entitlement over me, yet despite my lack of value to those people the thought of just ceasing the roles I fulfilled in their lives was unthinkable. How could I put my health and myself first when those people needed so much from me? Somewhere in my recovery I grew strong though, and I seemed to be led to make decisions that took me away from the situations I was in. Over the course of six months or so I ended my relationship and stopped being merely half a rent cheque to somebody who didn't care an ounce about me, I left the job where people heaped work upon me, which in turn meant leaving my male work friends behind who only seemed to take an interest in me when there was a work conference coming up where there was a possibility they could get me into bed. When I left those parts of my life behind all of the people protested, or tried to manipulate me to stay in the situation and the weak part of me wanted to stay behind, doing what I knew best which was looking after people. I did the harder thing though and walked away, and I massively distanced myself from everything, it really hurt that only time I ever heard from the people I had done so much for was when they occasionally wanted a self esteem boost by checking that I would still do things for them, I never got any messages simply asking how I was or if I wanted to meet up etc. A year down the line I've massively healed and I realise that those people all just took advantage of me, and that I am better off away from those situations. Occasionally though somebody will pop out of the woodwork, and I will get that familiar anxiety, that feeling of obligation, that I must keep that person happy, and I usually end up telling them what they want to hear, or helping them. After that I'm pretty mad at myself for letting my boundaries slip, because I know that person is off smiling to themselves thinking that they still have the power to get me to do stuff for them. I really hate it when I let myself down like that, but then I remind myself that the fact I even recognise that I should have boundaries is progress! The times that I let these people back in are few and far between nowadays, three years ago I would have been catering to their every demand and whim and thinking only of how I could keep them happy. Boundaries that you are comfortable with are the key to happy and healthy relationships, and I know I am using that 'delete message' option a lot more than I used to. Xxx

Shutting down your cyber bully!

I'm going to admit it, I never really thought cyber bullying was that much of a big deal, but that was before I became a victim of somebody's hate campaign eight months ago. Prior to that I had existed happily on Facebook and Twitter for years, sure I got the odd person on twitter who didn't like my opinion on a neighbours character, and that guy on Facebook I worked with years ago who felt the need the need to poke me, but other than that it was on the whole a good experience and everybody who had my mobile number were considered friends. When I used to hear these stories of people being harassed by text message and stalked on Facebook, I would think why dont they just ignore the messages? Change their phone numbers? Use the block button? Since I have been a victim though I fully understand the fear and anxiety you feel when that person messages you and the terror you go to sleep with wondering what they could do next and when they will pop up again. The person that bullied me actually used to be part of my extended family and the stupid thing was that I hadn't actually done anything wrong to them, their problem was with another member of my family, but they saw me as a weak easy target to take everything out on. I put up with the constant abusive text and Facebook messages for seven months, every time one came through I would feel myself flood with anxiety and negativity, if this person was this evil with their words what could they do to me physically? People I told about it advised me just to ignore everything, and that he would get bored soon enough, I wanted to tell the police but people warned me it might just make things worse. For a while my abuser did disappear, but then he came back with vengeance, his words were meaner and every time he texted me my first instinct was to lock the front door. One day he sent me a message with an attempt to black mail me, it gave me a full on panic attack and something in me just suddenly changed and I very calmly rang the police and told them everything that had happened. The police were actually brilliant, they gave the bully a formal caution under tne bullying and harassment act, which means that if they contact me again they would be liable for arrest. It's been over a month now since the caution and I haven't heard from them. I hope it's the end of a horrible nightmare but I will stay vigilant for now, my biggest lesson has been that online bullying is no joke, it causes just as much hurt and pain as face to face bullying and needs to be stopped. If you are the victim of a cyber bully, here are a few things you can do to protect yourself. 1. If anybody makes a threat of violence to you via mobile phone or social media tell the police immediately. 2. Do not respond to any messages from this person, I know it can be tempting to fight hate with hate, but the last thing you want to do is incriminate yourself. 3. Make sure somebody else knows what is happening, tell a friend or family member so you have a witness to the behaviour. 4. Retain all evidence, I was tempted to change my phone number and block the bully on Facebook, but having all of the messages gave me a strong case with the police for action to be taken, if reading tbe messages upsets you then give the phone to a friend who can monitor it for you and set yourself up a different facebook page, trust me, evidence is your friend. 5. If it is somebody from school, college or work that is bullying you then tell a teacher or HR representative. 6. Please make the police aware of what is happening, if they dont have enough evidence to caution the person at that time then they can at least keep an eye on the person, and you never know you might not be the only person making a complaint which gives more weight to the severity of their caution. 7. Please dint listen to people's fears about contacting the police, it is their job to keep the community safe, a lot of bullies do things because they think they are big, clever and can get away with it, a lot of the time they don't realise that what they are doing holds potential criminal charges. 8. If your bully gets a caution they might come grovelling to you with an apology, please don't get sucked into starting communication with them again, stay silent and let them deal with the repercussions of their actions. 9. Never feel guilty about speaking out about a bully, nine times out of ten people bully because of mental health issues or their own insecurities, you can have empathy for these people but refuse to be their victim, by speaking out and stopping their damaging behaviours you are breaking the cycle and increasing the chances that the bully will get the help the really need. Stay safe xxx

Book Stuff: Chameleon by J. Jackson Bentley

I just finished reading Chameleon by J. Jackson Bentley which is the 2nd in the City of London thriller series. I started reading this series because someone I know recommended it to me, they were raving so much about it and kept asking me if I had downloaded it yet that I felt kind of obligated to read it. I have to admit that I quite enjoyed the first book, even though I found some of it a tad cheesy, this led me on to reading the sequel called The Chameleon, but being honest I found this a long and arduous read! I started reading this just as a quick couple of chapters before I fall asleep type of book, but after about three weeks I was still only 20% of the way through it, so I decided to spend most of Sunday getting it read as I have so many books on my TBR to get through and this one was taking way too long to read. The Chameleon is a weird sequel in that the main character from the first book Josh Hammond is merely an extra in this book. The Chameleon focuses around Josh's wife Dee and her security agency who are tasked with protecting an African couple for 72 hours before they give a speech to government. Events take a turn for the worse and Dee and her people find themselves in a battle for justice against a secretive agency called the chameleon. The story was intriguing and dramatic but the book was just too long for me, some of the descriptions and extra characters just felt so unnecessary and I felt like the story could have been told in about half the time without some of the pointless stuff. The author also makes a brief cameo in the book himself, although I'm still not sure if I find this cool or a bit cringey. I'm not sure that I'm going to read the third book in the series at the moment, but I might come back to it at a later date. The first two books in this series are free to download on kindle.

Book Stuff - The Lessons By Naomi Alderman

I've just finished reading a book called 'The Lessons' by Naomi Alderman. It's a book that has been out for a while that I've eyed up a few times in the library and finally decided to check it out last week. It was one of those books that I could have happily read in a day if I hadn't have started reading it during a very busy week. The book is all about a boy called James, who is kind of a loner and outsider who goes to Oxford university where he is kind of taken under the wing of a very rich boy called Mark. James is invited to move into a house with Mark and a group of his friends and he enters into a strange world of luxury and wealth, but there's a kind of dark sinister side to Mark that James has to painfully uncover. I've made a bit of an attempt at answering some reading group questions on the book, so let's dive in! Question 1: early in the book Mark is writing an essay entitled "A God who does not suffer cannot save: discuss" Can one person save another? Is suffering a necessary part of this? Could Jess save James? Can James save Mark? How about Mark and Leo? Answer: There is a difference between physically saving somebody and emotionally saving them. In the book Mark physically saves Leo from drowning which is achievable, but Jess tries to save James emotionally and James does the same thing for Mark. As humans we frequently try to save people and it always encompasses suffering, you can never truly save somebody because you ultimately just become a shield for them so that they don't have to deal with any of their own issues. Question 2: why do you think Jess wanted to be in a relationship with James? Answer: I think Jess was a rescuer, I think in James she saw a vulnerable person who need protecting. James talks about Jess being a serious almost mother type figure, and somebody childlike and lost like James would have appealed to her nature. Question 3: "people change, our tastes develop. I used to like sleeping with boys, and now I like sleeping with Nicola" what do you think? Is this how sexuality works? Can it be? Answer: I believe that bisexuality exists, but I think it is more of a curiosity thing. I think ultimately our sexuality cannot be changed although of course we can try to deny it or mould it to suit ourselves and our fears and desires. Mark was clearly gay, but I think his desire to be a father and be somewhat normal forced him to make a decision or create an illusion that he was straight. Question 4: The Cavafy poem that opens the novel talks about "longings that have passed without being satisfied". In the novel is it better to have desires satisfied or unsatisfied? How about in life? Answer: I definitely think the characters in the novel would have been a lot better off having their desires unsatisfied, James loses Jess because of his desire to be with Mark, and Mark loses a child and the family life he craves because of his desire to sleep around with boys. In life I think with longings we have to weigh up at what cost they should be satisfied as we might end up paying a heavy price for not leaving them be. Question 5: "beauty is a lie, but it is so hard to spot". Does James love Mark and Oxford mainly because they are beautiful? Do people love James because he is beautiful? Answer: James buys into the beautiful and prestigious idea he has been sold of Oxford by his family and I think he is drawn into Mark and his world too because they appear so beautiful and somewhat untouchable. Mark describes James as beautiful, but I think people love James because his vulnerability has a person is beautiful to them. Question 6: "Doesn't everyone want this? To stay together with their university friends forever?". If none of us ever had to make any money would we want this forever? Answer: if there wasn't a need to earn money then I think a lot of people would be tempted to carry on living in shared student houses. During my time at work I've seen a lot of people struggling to put university life behind them, it's a golden carefree time for a lot of people and they have a desire to carry on living in it. In the novel James enjoys the life he lives with Mark and the others but he can understand that it is a moment in time and that he will eventually have to have responsibilities and a career. Mark doesn't want it to end because the group he has around him are ultimately protecting him from himself